... But It's Not Me!

I often dream about sexual situations of all sorts, from pedophile rape to heterosexual passion. But, I never seem to be able to dream about actual intercourse to the point of climax. Even when I was regularly practicing lucid dreaming (i.e. conscious dream control), I could never control my dreams enough to have full intercourse, much less climax. And this bane often extends in various ways around other sexual behavior and situations. For example, I often find it difficult to simply remove my clothes in a dream, or even just pull my pants down or otherwise expose myself for sexual reasons. And, it is a phenomenon that appears to be exclusive for my dreams. I have read a lot about dreaming, but I have never read about or heard of such limitation before. In fact, I've read about many cases of both lucid and non-lucid dream sex fantasies coming true to the point of ecstatic fulfillment. So, why can't I ever do the same?

Well, the dream I had last night may be evident of an answer to that question that I've been contemplating for some time now, many years in fact. It was not in itself an extraordinary dream. I was in some sort of extraordinary prison where the cells were more like dorm rooms, each one occupied by at least two prisoners. For some reason I found myself hiding in a room that wasn't mine, though my room, and room mate, were in the same hallways, close by - [I had no idea who lived there], but I knew that most of the rooms were occupied by dangerous men who demanded "respect" (the way the most dangerous men usually do, with fear), and so I was very consciously careful not to disturb or touch anything in the room as I hid there (beneath a blanket).

I heard a female guard come in, look around, and for some strange reason say the word, "Up", in a way that it seemed to mean, "All clear." Then she left.

As soon as I felt it was clear, I got up and left the room, but in the hall was a large muscular black man who I knew by reputation as not someone to mess with (i.e. a dangerous person). He saw me come from the room and confronted me immediately.

"What the fuck were you doing in my cell?" he demanded glowering.

I said all I could say, "Uh, I was hiding. But I didn't touch anything, or snoop at all, I swear!"

He used his body to more or less intimidate me back into the room where it was clear he wanted to check it out before he decided what to do with me. I recognized the move, and the look on his face that meant he saw some advantage for him that he hoped to exploit. And since the only "asset" I had was my ass, I decided to stand in a way that put my ass within easy reach of his hands.

Apparently, he recognized my move as well, as he "bumped" into my ass, and then when I did not complain (or act surprised), he grabbed my ass lustfully, and then...

And then, the next thing I knew, I was back in my own cell/room, fully dressed by laying on my bunch/bed talking with my celly/room-mate, with whom I had a completely non-sexual relationship with and whom knew nothing of my encounter with the dangerous black man down the hall. But, my asshole was still tingling from being used, and I remember clearly thinking how nice it was to have another man's cum inside me after so long (years). But, I had no recollection whatsoever of the sex itself!

WTF? Usually, in situations like this in my dreams, where I am about to enjoy some real "hardcore" sex, I'll either wake up, or the dream will shift entirely to a completely different situation. This is the first time I remember where the ream just "skipped over" the sex, but then continued in the same dream. As I said, WTF? It seems as though someone, or something, other than "me", is deliberately blocking me from having hardcore sex in my dreams! But how? And why?!

I think the first and most obvious answer is guilt. But, I've carefully considered that and I don't think it is very likely. First of all, I don't feel any conscious guilt about my sexual proclivities, or exploits. So, that leave unconscious, or so-called "repressed" guilt. But there are several problems with that as well. Namely, the fact that all kinds of sex is blocked in my reams, even sex with my fiancée, who is a very sexually attractive adult female who I have a strong emotional affinity and attachment to, and vice versa. So, why would my dreams block out sex with her (and they have, far too often) when there is clearly nothing to feel "guilty" about (not that I think there is ever something to feel "guilty" about, since to me all guilt is a fabricated emotional construct that we manifest in order to compensate for other emotional lies we tell ourselves; but, that's a different thread altogether, so let's continue). There are numerous other more subtle reasons that I doubt any sort of "guilt" could be responsible for this phenomenon, but I think my point has been made, so I'll move on.

I have considered many other possible reasons, but only one has stood unshaken by my scrutiny and intensely honest interrogations. I'm not suggesting it is the only answer I believe possible; even so-called "guilt" may be a possible reason on some level I have yet to explore. So, I don't eliminate or content myself with any possibility. This is just the one I find myself considering most often, and which seems to have merit, per se. And, it explains more than just dreams. it is the possibility that, as Pink Floyd puts it so succinctly, "there's someone in my head, but it's not me" in their song, "Brain Damage". It seems clear to me in this latest dream that there is some sort of reasoning conscious intent behind the way sex is effectively censored in my dreams; but it's not MY consciousness!

So, who, or what, consciousness is it? And what are its reasons? Now those are questions that have plagued numerous strange and unexplained events in my lie. I often think that maybe there is some sort of extra-sensory consciousness acting not only in my dreams, but in my life as well. It would explain a lot if there were, an there is no evidence there's not, or that it isn't possible (which disqualifies it as a "delusion" according to the standard definition), and a lot of real scientific evidence (not to be confused with all the B.S. surrounding it) that there is something more conscious than we are at play in the world.

I won't bother listing all the real science that I am aware of in this regard, but if you are interested then you can find out for yourself; just don't believe anything you read until you've verified the credibility of its source, and never accept anyone's explanation for any of it. It is the explanations that distort and end up clouding the facts. So follow the facts (when confirmed) and you will find your way to some amazing science!

That being said, and assumed here, I sometimes think that maybe my life is being manipulated (as demonstrated by how my dreams appear to be manipulated) by this other consciousness, for reasons my very limited, and proven fallible, consciousness may never even begin to comprehend. But, if that is true (and I'm not claiming it is, only that it is possible, and supported by the evidence) then it would seem that I am being "shaped" or "molded" intellectually, emotionally, and perhaps "spiritually" by something or someone I can only hope is benevolent, and has...

Wait... I was going to say, and has my best interest at heart. But, what would that mean if I don't even know what my best interest is? Maybe my best interest is something so far beyond my personal experience --- and thus beyond my limited intellectual capacity --- that it ends up being something that involves great sorrow, even pain and suffering on my behalf, as an individual! Who can say? I certainly cannot. So, I won't even try. All I can say is that the evidence for some "other" consciousness at play both in my dreams, and in my life, is undeniable. There's really no point in saying any more than that. I could call it "God", or "The Universe", or "The Buddha consciousness"; but it really doesn't matter what I call it, or even if it is "real" or some sort of illusion (which it may very well be, just as all experience ultimately is). All that matters is that it is my experience, and a clear and hard to ignore indication that I am not the only conscious being playing around in my head.

The lunatic is in my head

The lunatic is in my head

You raise the blade, you make the change

You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane

You lock the door, and throw away the key

There's someone in my head,

but it's not me

- "Brain Damage" by Pink Floyd

[J.D. July 14, 2020]