... But It's Not Me!

I often dream about sexual situations of all sorts, from pedophile rape to heterosexual passion. But, I never seem to be able to dream about actual intercourse to the point of climax. Even when I was regularly practicing lucid dreaming (i.e. conscious dream control), I could never control my dreams enough to have full intercourse, much less climax. And this bane often extends in various ways around other sexual behavior and situations. For example, I often find it difficult to simply remove my clothes in a dream, or even just pull my pants down or otherwise expose myself for sexual reasons. And, it is a phenomenon that appears to be exclusive for my dreams. I have read a lot about dreaming, but I have never read about or heard of such limitation before. In fact, I've read about many cases of both lucid and non-lucid dream sex fantasies coming true to the point of ecstatic fulfillment. So, why can't I ever do the same?

Well, the dream I had last night may be evident of an answer to that question that I've been contemplating for some time now, many years in fact. It was not in itself an extraordinary dream. I was in some sort of extraordinary prison where the cells were more like dorm rooms, each one occupied by at least two prisoners. For some reason I found myself hiding in a room that wasn't mine, though my room, and room mate, were in the same hallways, close by - [I had no idea who lived there], but I knew that most of the rooms were occupied by dangerous men who demanded "respect" (the way the most dangerous men usually do, with fear), and so I was very consciously careful not to disturb or touch anything in the room as I hid there (beneath a blanket).

I heard a female guard come in, look around, and for some strange reason say the word, "Up", in a way that it seemed to mean, "All clear." Then she left.

As soon as I felt it was clear, I got up and left the room, but in the hall was a large muscular black man who I knew by reputation as not someone to mess with (i.e. a dangerous person). He saw me come from the room and confronted me immediately.

"What the fuck were you doing in my cell?" he demanded glowering.

I said all I could say, "Uh, I was hiding. But I didn't touch anything, or snoop at all, I swear!"

He used his body to more or less intimidate me back into the room where it was clear he wanted to check it out before he decided what to do with me. I recognized the move, and the look on his face that meant he saw some advantage for him that he hoped to exploit. And since the only "asset" I had was my ass, I decided to stand in a way that put my ass within easy reach of his hands.

Apparently, he recognized my move as well, as he "bumped" into my ass, and then when I did not complain (or act surprised), he grabbed my ass lustfully, and then...

And then, the next thing I knew, I was back in my own cell/room, fully dressed by laying on my bunch/bed talking with my celly/room-mate, with whom I had a completely non-sexual relationship with and whom knew nothing of my encounter with the dangerous black man down the hall. But, my asshole was still tingling from being used, and I remember clearly thinking how nice it was to have another man's cum inside me after so long (years). But, I had no recollection whatsoever of the sex itself!

WTF? Usually, in situations like this in my dreams, where I am about to enjoy some real "hardcore" sex, I'll either wake up, or the dream will shift entirely to a completely different situation. This is the first time I remember where the ream just "skipped over" the sex, but then continued in the same dream. As I said, WTF? It seems as though someone, or something, other than "me", is deliberately blocking me from having hardcore sex in my dreams! But how? And why?!

I think the first and most obvious answer is guilt. But, I've carefully considered that and I don't think it is very likely. First of all, I don't feel any conscious guilt about my sexual proclivities, or exploits. So, that leave unconscious, or so-called "repressed" guilt. But there are several problems with that as well. Namely, the fact that all kinds of sex is blocked in my reams, even sex with my fiancée, who is a very sexually attractive adult female who I have a strong emotional affinity and attachment to, and vice versa. So, why would my dreams block out sex with her (and they have, far too often) when there is clearly nothing to feel "guilty" about (not that I think there is ever something to feel "guilty" about, since to me all guilt is a fabricated emotional construct that we manifest in order to compensate for other emotional lies we tell ourselves; but, that's a different thread altogether, so let's continue). There are numerous other more subtle reasons that I doubt any sort of "guilt" could be responsible for this phenomenon, but I think my point has been made, so I'll move on.

I have considered many other possible reasons, but only one has stood unshaken by my scrutiny and intensely honest interrogations. I'm not suggesting it is the only answer I believe possible; even so-called "guilt" may be a possible reason on some level I have yet to explore. So, I don't eliminate or content myself with any possibility. This is just the one I find myself considering most often, and which seems to have merit, per se. And, it explains more than just dreams. it is the possibility that, as Pink Floyd puts it so succinctly, "there's someone in my head, but it's not me" in their song, "Brain Damage". It seems clear to me in this latest dream that there is some sort of reasoning conscious intent behind the way sex is effectively censored in my dreams; but it's not MY consciousness!

So, who, or what, consciousness is it? And what are its reasons? Now those are questions that have plagued numerous strange and unexplained events in my lie. I often think that maybe there is some sort of extra-sensory consciousness acting not only in my dreams, but in my life as well. It would explain a lot if there were, an there is no evidence there's not, or that it isn't possible (which disqualifies it as a "delusion" according to the standard definition), and a lot of real scientific evidence (not to be confused with all the B.S. surrounding it) that there is something more conscious than we are at play in the world.

I won't bother listing all the real science that I am aware of in this regard, but if you are interested then you can find out for yourself; just don't believe anything you read until you've verified the credibility of its source, and never accept anyone's explanation for any of it. It is the explanations that distort and end up clouding the facts. So follow the facts (when confirmed) and you will find your way to some amazing science!

That being said, and assumed here, I sometimes think that maybe my life is being manipulated (as demonstrated by how my dreams appear to be manipulated) by this other consciousness, for reasons my very limited, and proven fallible, consciousness may never even begin to comprehend. But, if that is true (and I'm not claiming it is, only that it is possible, and supported by the evidence) then it would seem that I am being "shaped" or "molded" intellectually, emotionally, and perhaps "spiritually" by something or someone I can only hope is benevolent, and has...

Wait... I was going to say, and has my best interest at heart. But, what would that mean if I don't even know what my best interest is? Maybe my best interest is something so far beyond my personal experience --- and thus beyond my limited intellectual capacity --- that it ends up being something that involves great sorrow, even pain and suffering on my behalf, as an individual! Who can say? I certainly cannot. So, I won't even try. All I can say is that the evidence for some "other" consciousness at play both in my dreams, and in my life, is undeniable. There's really no point in saying any more than that. I could call it "God", or "The Universe", or "The Buddha consciousness"; but it really doesn't matter what I call it, or even if it is "real" or some sort of illusion (which it may very well be, just as all experience ultimately is). All that matters is that it is my experience, and a clear and hard to ignore indication that I am not the only conscious being playing around in my head.

The lunatic is in my head

The lunatic is in my head

You raise the blade, you make the change

You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane

You lock the door, and throw away the key

There's someone in my head,

but it's not me

- "Brain Damage" by Pink Floyd

[J.D. July 14, 2020]  

 

City of Dreams

I dreamed last night (March 20, 2020 @ 01:00-05:00) that I had escaped from captivity in some kind of ancient underground city that was a world within itself. The citizens of the city were terrified that I had escaped and the "angels" of the city were organizing in order to recapture and imprison me, since I could not be killed or destroyed.

I was conscious of their preparations at the same time as I was aware of floating up high above the city amongst the architectural structures that supported the cave-like ceiling. I remember also being semi-conscious of the fact that I was dreaming and that in "some other reality" I was in prison on death row. This made me marvel at the detailed vividness of the dream. I looked at the stone carvings around me and watched in fascination as I pushed on them only to make them crumble in giant chinks and fall dangerously off into the city below, possibly killing anyone they fell upon.

The "angels" who hunted me were two breeds. one was a breed of warrior-like beings who would hunt me down and engage me in battle, as they had done many times before. The others were beautiful but bizarre shape-shifting beings that would go out and assist the citizens of the city by alleviating their fear (of me) with songs and entertainment, as well as helping repair any damage I caused and heal the wounded. These shape-shifters were beautiful in the forms they took, but often faceless as they performed their duties. (Specifically in this dream I remember seeing them change from beautiful human-looking females into strangely contorted and bent-over.backwards creatures that spoke in some strange inhuman language as they discussed their preparations and desire to defend the city.)

I remember being acutely aware of the warrior angels discussing the possible release of some smoke-like being that was being held captive as  I was. it seemed this smoke-thing was my mortal enemy, and only it had the power to subdue me, even though they feared it as much as me, they also could control it - or, more correctly, it permitted itself to be imprisoned, so it could be controlled.

In the meantime I was making my own preparations for battle. I apparently had the ability to become conscious, or share consciousness, with anyone I chose (which was how I could be aware of the angels and their preparations). So I joined consciousness with a citizen as he was walking past the faceless angels singing songs to comfort the people. I "watched" (from his conscious perspective) as he continued walking to a secluded part of the city and out onto docks over a shallow lake. I continued watching as he noticed something moving beneath the surface (me) of the water, and shared his fear as I rose up and sliced off the top him with my sword.

But, instead of killing him I continued to cut round cross-section slices from his head that I was able to imbed in twelve-inch thick sheets of ice that stood as tall as the men (there were now several other men I had done the same to) and served as shields for them to fight from behind on my behalf.

When the warrior angels approached my own "warriors" joined their "shields" into a defensive wall. The angels assalted frontally with powerful swords that could cut through the "shields", but only just barely. This allowed my own warriors to attack back with their own swords against the unshielded angels, who fell quickly in the first clash like a slaughter.

Only a few angels survived, but the ones who fell were able to quickly regenerate (it seems they could not be killed either), so they rallied for another attack. But then, to their surprise, my warriors regenerated also, and the angels realized they could not win.

So they told em they would release the smokey being as a last resort, calling it, "Saint Petersburg" (sic). But, when they opened the giant doors to release the Saint instead of smoke it took the form of a giant black robe-like statue, and refused to attack me on behalf of the angels. It seems that I had given it the ability to take on robe-like form in exchange for it not serving the angels.

So the leader of the warrior angels turned to the "unthinkable", and the other oppose him. But he was undeterred as he stepped up to a mighty thrown, which was understood to be the very thrown of God Himself, though it as unoccupied. The leader's hair and beard turned white as he took the thrown and announced his authority to do so as the dominant being in this world. For a moment I feared he was God, or that he would summon God. But instead he summoned, "The master of the dark realms", and then specifically gave this being (clearly "Satan") domination and authority to "rebuild the city in your image". (It seems I had nearly destroyed the entire city by this time, which was my aim... and causes me to wonder now from a waking perspective if possible I was "death" in the dream?)

Suddenly the city began rebuilding and restoring itself. I remember watching now as walls sprang up magically and beautifully adorned in intricate artwork with all the images and symbols of Satan Himself. Now the dream became a kind of documentary promoting all the wonders, in the form of technology, of a world created in Satan's image. The documentary extolled computer tech that connected everyone and provided for everyone's wants and desires. in one scene there were dozens of fleshy orgies taking place while some narrator explained how information was collected and processed on everyone at all times and used to satisfy each individual's every desire. There was a distinctly sad tone to the documentary though, sort of saying that despite all these wonders and having all of our wants and desires fulfilled, were are still missing something.

That seemed like a bunch of propaganda B.S. to me, even in the dream. I have had all of my wants and desires fulfilled in my life, even my deepest darkest fantasies. And it never made me feel sad or like something was missing the way this "docu-dream" seemed to be suggesting. Yes, I always felt that something was missing. But getting what I wanted never distracted me from this truth. I never tried to make myself feel "whole" with sex, drugs, or anything. I just enjoyed those things as the simple pleasures they were and never tried to make them anything more. Maybe that's why I never got addicted to stuff. I could smoke crack cocaine on a binge one night and still be ready to go to school or work the next day fully motivated and with a clear head. It often puzzled me why so many others found that so difficult.

Anyway, in the dream I got bored and suddenly found myself sitting in a prison movie theater realizing the entire dream was a movie up on the big screen. I decided the end was not worth sticking around for. So I left the theater via a long flight of stairs up to the main prison population area.

Above the theater on ground level the prison itself consisted of miles of barred cages, each holding ten or fifteen prisoners of all sees and ages, including young children. I remember seeing one very naive an innocent looking little girl who could have been no more than five or six years old, and wondering what her "crime" would have been at that age.

Anyway, I was wandering around looking for my cell when I woke up back here on Federal Death Row. I contemplated my dream, and whether or not I should write it down for this blog. At first it seemed obviously the kind of dream that I should write about, but I felt discouraged by the fact that it was so detailed and "real" seeming. I didn't think I would ever be able to represent or convey any of it meaningfully. I though about letting it be something private that I kept and contemplated by myself. In the end the need to share my experience won out. Maybe by doing so I might learn more than I would otherwise. So.. here it is. If you have any ideas or thoughts about what this dream is about please feel free to leave a comment so I might know, and thank you.

[J.D. March 20, 2020]

P.S. I don't know if this means anything, but I suspect it may, so I thought I'd add that after I awoke from this dream I turned on my T.V. and hooked up an antenna I made from empty soda cans to see what I could get off the air (the antenna signal is a lot clearer than the prison cable signal, which is why I prefer it even though it's only 15 channels instead of 40) and on a channel called "TBD" I found a documentary called "DSKNECTD" that ran for two hours and discussed the impact that technology (Internet apps) has on modern social health. That seemed a little synchronistic to me. 

Tigers, Camels, and Soldiers

I dreamed last night that I lived as a teenage boy in a house with my parents on a rural piece of property. We had a full grown female tiger that we had raised, and she had a cub. In the dream I had to move the mother and cub to a location some distance away from the house so she wouldn't threaten friends and family when they came to visit. So I put her cub in  a blanket and carried it, with mother following to see where I was taking her cub, yet trusting me enough to let me do so.

When we reached the edge of a clearing I stopped to let the mother go ahead to make sure it was safe for her cub, which I understood she would do instinctively. After she scouted the clearing and looked back at me to let me know it was all clear I came out with her cub. In the distance I could see a larger clearing on the side of a hill with a house-sized jumble of dirt and piled up dead trees that some farmers had left when they cleared the field. But, it was on the other side of a fenced in high-way.

I pointed to the pile of dead trees and said, "There," to the mother, knowing her well enough to know she would understand that that was where I was taking her cub, and her new home. She consented by heading in the direction I pointed.

We followed a razor-wire topped chain-link fence until we reached a place where a tree grew close enough to the fence that we could use it to climb over, cross the high-way, and then over the fence on the other side, which put us in the field with the pile of dead trees.

I stayed with the mother and cub, keeping an eye on the cub while mother explored the area and inspected the pile of dead trees to see if it would make a suitable den. While she explored I saw a man riding a horse along the top - yes, top - of the chain-link fence on the far side of the road. He was a curiosity at first, but then I saw several more men on horses also riding atop the same fence behind him.

Shortly these men were followed by a band of soldiers on foot walking on the highway, accompanied by their commanders on horseback. One of the commanders saw me in the field and approached. From his horse, and without saying anything, he reached down to offer me a 38 special snub-nose revolver. He indicated that I should take it and shoot one of his soldiers, which I did not do. In the dream I remember thinking it was a test to see if I were friend or foe.

After I refused to take the proffered gun the commander ordered some of his men to commandeer the mother, who for some bizarre dream-reason had become a camel instead of a tiger. But, I pleaded with the commander to leave her (for her baby's sake) and take my prize cow instead. He agreed. So I said a tearful goodbye to my cow, then woke up as she was lead away by the soldiers and I watch the mother, as a tiger again, run off across the field with her cub.

After I woke up, rather late in the day actually, I decided to turn on the T.V. and see if there was anything on to watch while I sipped some coffee to "wake up". On T.V. was a program ("Crime Watch") that I normally don't watch, but it had an interesting story about a 5-year-old boy, Nathan O'Brien, who was kidnapped and murdered along with his grandparents who were caring for him at the time. The story caught my interest because of the similarities to my own crimes. Then, in the story, it turned out that the culprit (Doug Garland) lived alone with his parents on a rural piece of property (in Canada) that looked a lot like the area I had just dreamed about. And the police also found a 38 special snub-nose revolver in the killer's belongings.

I only mention these "coincidents" because it is common for me to see such things on T.V. that I had just dreamed about the night before, implying some sort of conscious connection with myself across a short distance of time. (I say with "myself" because the incidents on T.V. programs are things that may or may not have occurred in reality at all, so it seems it is my conscious witnessing of it on T.V. that somehow bleeds over into my dreams the night before.)

It's just... something peculiar to think about.

[J.D. March 11, 2020] 

The End?

I dreamed last night that I had traveled back in time in a small go-cart-like machine to a period in early colonial America. I was assisting in mundane preparations for some sort of rustic banquet in a town hall. Suddenly one of the other kitchen workers came into the kitchen area and exclaimed that the end of the world was coming!

We followed him into the dining hall where he pointed out a window to a black storm dropping what I assumed was tons of rain in giant gusts from the clouds only a few miles away. I tried to assure everyone that it was just a passing storm and we should all get back to work and not worry about it.

But, a few minutes later back in the kitchen area the same worker came in and exclaimed, "The sky is gone!"

I asked, "What do you mean, 'the sky is gone'?"

And he said, "It's just gone!"

So we followed him to the same bank of windows and this time in the distance I saw a modern city, which made no sense for this time period. And the city was being crushed by a wall of stone rocks and whatnot coming down from the sky. When I looked up directly overhead I saw some sort of giant machine spanning the entire sky coming down through darkened clouds.

None of this made sense. I knew that because I was from the future I would know about a calamity of this scale. I saw the machine in the sky tilt so that in the distance it made contact with the earth and began pushing up huge mounds of rock and mud. I felt the earth tremble as the shockwaves passed like earthquakes.

I ran back to the kitchen looking for my time machine and escape back into the future. But I had apparently disassembled the machine and realized there was no time to reassemble it.

I began to panic and tried to calm myself so I could think clearly and find a way to survive what seemed now clearly to be the end of the world. I decided I did not want to die inside and not knowing at least what killed me.

So I burst open the kitchen door and ran outside. I found myself in a contemporary urban neighborhood with two and three-story apartment complexes but only a few other survivors.

I yelled out, "What's happening?"

But no one seemed to hear me from the din of the storm and destruction all around.

I saw a woman in a '67 Mustang convertible with its top down that had been thrown off the road into a field. I approached her and repeated my question.

"What's happening?" I asked.

"I don't know!" she yelled back.

Then I heard a song, or rather felt a song in my mind that conveyed intention without words. It sang something like, "This is to heal you." But the word "This" was a kind of self-reference in lieu of "I" or "We", and "you" meant the entire planet, not the inhabitants (people) on it.

It was like some multi-dimensional entity had descended upon the planet, not from some other space or time, but from some other dimension entirely. So it was able to appear throughout the entire history of earth at once. And the people, like me and the woman in the car, were not even germs to it - or "this", as it seemed to call itself. The ground under my feet became pillowy and difficult to walk on, and streams of what seemed like tangled magnetic tape at first, and then becoming long tangles of human hair, like dreadlocks, came down from the sky in clumps that entangled and retrieved anyone out in the open.

I managed to evade the "dreadlocks" and started looking for cover. I could see giant fleshy wounds the size of cities opening up in the earth off in the distance. I saw a cement structure built into the side of a hill nearby with someone in it. This looked relatively secure so I made my way to it.

I managed to get inside, but only just. I saw a man with his teen daughter there who appeared to be from some future beyond my own time. But the structure was clearly not sufficient to ward off the destruction from all around and we knew we were doomed. The last thing I remember before waking up was that I wanted to take off my clothes, so I could leave the world the same way I came into it, naked.

[J.D. December 18, 2019]

Robot.edu

A recurring theme to some of my dreams since my arrest in 2005 has been having a job and being at work but not knowing what my job is. This usually involves some strange variation of the job I had when I was living in Fargo working for Invie Consulting as a computer programmer while attending college part-time for several years leading up to shortly before my arrest. But in that job I always had a good sense of what my job was, while in my dreams I never know what I'm being paid to do or even if I'm getting paid at all (in real life I was earning $18 per hour with full benefits).

But, the night before last I think this recurring theme finally resolved itself. In the dream I had I was hired by an eccentric millionaire to work for his high-tech company in a posh modern office building. Like other dreams following this theme I wasn't clear about what my job was even though I assumed I had been hired because of my unique skills and qualifications of the high-tech sort. In real life I have always been highly skilled and qualified as a computer programmer, but in dreams like this one I can never seem to apply those skills, apparently for the same reason that I cannot perform other complex intellectual tasks, like reading or writing more than one or two words at a time.

So, I wondered around the office building, looking for someplace to fit in I suppose. I ended up in a foyer with the rich man who had hired me. Usually in dreams like this I am distinctly reluctant to question anyone about what my job is supposed to be lest I expose the fact that I'm not needed and end up losing the job altogether. But in this dream for some reason I felt emboldened to ask the boss man himself what he expected me to do.

He explained to me that he had formed the company with plenty of capital but no clear business objective. The idea was to hire a bunch of really smart people and then let them decide what the business should be, banking on the assumption that whatever idea the new employees came up with would be profitable. So, he and I, and a small group of other new employees, began discussing our skills and other resources. The actual discussion was a blur, at least as I recalled upon awakening from the dream, but the outcome was distinct and clear.

We would form a company called "Robot.edu". It would be a company that provided the massive data sets necessary for modern computer programs to "learn". After I woke up and thought about this idea it made a lot of sense to me. In fact, I would not be surprised at all if such companies already exist. As "learning systems" become more and more prevalent there will be a corresponding demand for the highly specified data sets that the systems need in order to learn.

I also realized after thinking about it some more that these systems will by necessity start "learning" independent of each other. The assumption that once a system learns a specific lesson, such as how to diagnose medical conditions, this "knowledge" can then be uploaded by another learning system. But that's not how they work. The lesson must be learned by a specific system an unless another system is exactly the same --- i.e. has already "learned" all the exact same lessons under the exact same hardware and software conditions --- then the lesson cannot be transferred or shared simply by uploading the data. Each system must "learn" according to its ability and what it already "knows", just like real people.

Thus, companies like "Robot.edu" will become necessary as millions upon millions of these unique systems seek out the data sets they need in order to learn according to their unique specs. Even if you make an exact copy of a system as soon as one copy "learns" something that the other copy does not learn they will no longer be able to learn simply by uploading the "lesson" per se. They must each learn by "studying" data sets, just as humans do.

So, my dream seems to have hit on a very likely possible future business that might even already exist in some form. More importantly, I felt a clear shift in my dream from not knowing what my job was to not only knowing my job, but actually defining it as well. So now maybe this recurring theme will end.

[J.D. December 7, 2019]

Update:

It seems the above dream may very well have changed the "theme" after all. I have had at least two more dreams since the one I described above where I not only am employed, but I was a highly valued and skilled employee, in direct contrast with the old recurring theme. For example, just this morning (after breakfast) I dreamed that I was a highly skilled astronaut working with an exploratory team on another planet --- like in a science fiction movie, yet not like any movie I ever remember seeing --- my job was troubleshooting complex problems as they arose, and in the dream was the most valuable team member, or "asset" on the mission.

I like this sort of dream job a lot better!

[J.D. December 12, 2019]