A few days ago I wrote a letter to a friend expounding on the consequences of living in a soft society where people are expected --- often forcibly coerced - to turn to an inept government for protection instead of learning how to protect themselves in situations where self-defense is the only real protection they have, such as when they are being robbed or assaulted. In my view such "weakness" is the catalyst for violent crime in the first place. But, I awoke from a dream this morning that has compelled me to consider a different viewpoint.
In my dream I fell from a window that overlooked a wilderness area where two very large bears were foraging. I rolled down a very steep hill and ended up smack between the bears. Realizing the danger immediately i willed myself to stay calm and held out my hand palm down, to the nearest bear.
I knew that all animals can sense fear and respomd aggressively. So I imagined that the bears were just large dogs, which I am not afraid of. The closest, and largest, of the bears smelled my hand, then, sensing no threat, went back to foraging. The other bear did the same.
But then I made my first mistake. The bears were both still so close I could reach out and touch them, one on each side of me. I thought that if I tried to leave too soon (i.e. too quickly) that they might decide my eagerness to get away was a sign of weakness and attack. So, intead I reached out again to the larger bear and tried to scratch it between the ears. It pulled away cautiously at first, but then again assessed that I was no threat and let me touch him.
As soon as I started scratching his head and he realized what pleasure I was giving him he stopped foraging and turned all of his attention to me, much as any anumal would. He wrapped one gargantuan paw around me, pinning me between himself and the ground, and positioned his head so that I could scratch more easily.
I knew instantly I had made a real mistake. The bear was not going to let me leave at all now. I needed help!
I figured I could yell without alarming the bears, as long as I kept panic out of my voice. I knew my older sisters were still in the building at the top of the hill I had just fallen down, and that they were near a window within earshot. So I yelled as loud but calmly as I could, "Help! Call the forest ranger!"
That was my second mistake. It seemed the bear interpreted my yell as an invitation to play wrestle, which for an instant I thought was good, but quickly realized that play wrestling with a 500 pound bear wasn't the same as play wrestling with a 90 pound dog. It could get very deadly very quickly. Fortunately all I had to do was insist on scratching its head some more and the bear decided to save the play wrestling for later. And even more fortunately my sisters had heard me yell and I could see them in the window signalizing to me that they were calling the ranger and help was on the way.
Then I woke up, and as usual I pondered my dream. The first thing that struch me as unusual was the fact that I called for help from an "authority figure". That's something that I prode yself in never needing to do. I figure if I can't protect myself then I don't deserve to live. But, I had never tested my philosophy in a situation like this before, and it made me think.
Maybe the "authorities" are like an immune system for society, and the "cops" that I detest so much are the white blood cells. That would make someone like me, who has maliciously attacked other "cells", a kind of germ. Not a pleasant thought from my perspective, but I've never let the unpleasantness of a thought deter med from pursuing it. So this is something I'll never have to carefully consider for whatever lesson it may impart. I suspect that my old viewpoint and this new perspective each have merit. The trick, as usual, will be to find a middle ground where both views can compliment each other instead of conflicting as they do now in my heart and mind.
I don't know where dreams that make me think like this come from, but I'm still convinced that they don't come from me alone. They attest to a connection that vinds us all, and hold lessons far more valuable than any college professor has ever imagined; if we just pay attention, and listen to them.
[J.D. 1-7-14]
P.S. In case you are wondering how I made the leap from yelling for help from a forest ranger to white blood cells and germs; you have only to consider that the perilous dilemma with the two bears was clearly symbolic of a situation involving people instead of animals. Once I realized this I saw the fault in my logic about expecting help from the "authorities". Sometimes no matter how prepared we are to help ourselves we may occasionally still need help from a professional. The only question is how much help is too much, and how much is too little (and, of course whether or not we should be compelled to seek help even when we don't want it).
P.S.S. My thought and feelings about self-sufficiency vs. government protection are actually far more complex than I have represented anywhere above, but I have simplified my views, as I often do, for the sake of brevity and clarity.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Drama Dream
I had an interesting and vivid dream early this morning that seemed to illustrate some puzzling aspects about human emotional interplay.
In the dream, I was som esort of government agent (probably F.B.I., but I don't specifically recall) assigned to work undercover with and prtect another agent who had no field training. Our goal was to illegally sell counterfeit historical ingots that my partner would pass off as genuine artifacts. He was an expert on the artifacts, which is why he was needed in order to pass off the fake ingots as real to a pair of knowledgeable criminals, one man and one woman.
The buyers were secret Chinese agents, attempting to make the illegal purchase in order to obtain the artifacts for their government (probably as a matter of national pride and heritage). After they were convinved that the ingots were genuine they instructed my partner to meet them in a secluded stairwell in order to exhange them for a very large sum of money (hundreds of millions of dollars in cash that they had with them in a large cashbox). Against my advice my partner agreed to meet them in the stiarwell, and entered the area before I could stop him.
Then something happened. The Chinese man grabbed the ingots (in a briefcase -sized special carrying case) and ran while the woman attacked my partner with some sort of small pointed instryment (like a sharp pen, but not a pen; a weapon). I intervened by grabbing the hand in which she wielded the device. At first I fought to keep her from stabbing me with it, but then I realized the she was trying to stab herself. But, I was bigger and stronger than she was, and, unlike in the movies these days where dainty women physically overpower men who are twice their size and strength, I soon managed to force her to releae the weapon. Then I slapped her hard in the face in order to convince her she was overpowered and subdue her. It worked, and once she stopped struggling I quickly cuffed her to the stairwell railing and then went to check on my partner.
He was facing the wall with his hands over his face. I asked him if he was okay, and he said: "No, she got me in the eye." When I pulled his hand away to look I could see that the eye was blackened by some kind of fast acting corrosive poison and I knew I had to get him to the hospital quickly before the poison spread into his blood.
This is where the dreams become really interesting, for me at least. When i see his eye and realize the danger he is in I have an overpowering emotional response of strong concern. I hug him and hold him tight in order to assure him, and tell him with strong emotion in my voice and tears in my eyes that he's going to be okay as I begin leading him toward the exit of the stairwell to get help. (I just realized as I write this that the reason for the strong emotional reaction could be related to another very emotional dream I had shortly after my arrest in 2005 about not being able to get anyone to help me remove a pencil that was stuck in my eye [see: "A Pencil In My Eye, entered on November 29, 2010].
While I was helping my partner along, holding him and crying with concern, he says to me, "Nobody loves me THIS much in my life."
I knew he meant that I was way over-concerned for him and that my emotional response was disproportionate to the circumstances. I quickly gave him the first excuse that came to mind. I said, "I know, but this is for T.V., so just go with it."
I then tried to explain to him that I had learned how to step out of my emotions while I was in prison as a way to survive the pain and constant fear. It is what prison teaches. Though the pain and fearful emotions don't go away, I learned to disassociate myself from the emotions --- to see them as if they belonged to someone else, not me --- in order to be able to function and do what ever was necessary in order to survive regardless of how I felt. In short, I became an actor, or what i more commonly refered to as a "sociopath".
I was explaining all this to him as I lead him down a corridor and into a nearby food court. That was where I woke up and thought what an interesting dream it was.
[J.D. 12-24-13]
In the dream, I was som esort of government agent (probably F.B.I., but I don't specifically recall) assigned to work undercover with and prtect another agent who had no field training. Our goal was to illegally sell counterfeit historical ingots that my partner would pass off as genuine artifacts. He was an expert on the artifacts, which is why he was needed in order to pass off the fake ingots as real to a pair of knowledgeable criminals, one man and one woman.
The buyers were secret Chinese agents, attempting to make the illegal purchase in order to obtain the artifacts for their government (probably as a matter of national pride and heritage). After they were convinved that the ingots were genuine they instructed my partner to meet them in a secluded stairwell in order to exhange them for a very large sum of money (hundreds of millions of dollars in cash that they had with them in a large cashbox). Against my advice my partner agreed to meet them in the stiarwell, and entered the area before I could stop him.
Then something happened. The Chinese man grabbed the ingots (in a briefcase -sized special carrying case) and ran while the woman attacked my partner with some sort of small pointed instryment (like a sharp pen, but not a pen; a weapon). I intervened by grabbing the hand in which she wielded the device. At first I fought to keep her from stabbing me with it, but then I realized the she was trying to stab herself. But, I was bigger and stronger than she was, and, unlike in the movies these days where dainty women physically overpower men who are twice their size and strength, I soon managed to force her to releae the weapon. Then I slapped her hard in the face in order to convince her she was overpowered and subdue her. It worked, and once she stopped struggling I quickly cuffed her to the stairwell railing and then went to check on my partner.
He was facing the wall with his hands over his face. I asked him if he was okay, and he said: "No, she got me in the eye." When I pulled his hand away to look I could see that the eye was blackened by some kind of fast acting corrosive poison and I knew I had to get him to the hospital quickly before the poison spread into his blood.
This is where the dreams become really interesting, for me at least. When i see his eye and realize the danger he is in I have an overpowering emotional response of strong concern. I hug him and hold him tight in order to assure him, and tell him with strong emotion in my voice and tears in my eyes that he's going to be okay as I begin leading him toward the exit of the stairwell to get help. (I just realized as I write this that the reason for the strong emotional reaction could be related to another very emotional dream I had shortly after my arrest in 2005 about not being able to get anyone to help me remove a pencil that was stuck in my eye [see: "A Pencil In My Eye, entered on November 29, 2010].
While I was helping my partner along, holding him and crying with concern, he says to me, "Nobody loves me THIS much in my life."
I knew he meant that I was way over-concerned for him and that my emotional response was disproportionate to the circumstances. I quickly gave him the first excuse that came to mind. I said, "I know, but this is for T.V., so just go with it."
I then tried to explain to him that I had learned how to step out of my emotions while I was in prison as a way to survive the pain and constant fear. It is what prison teaches. Though the pain and fearful emotions don't go away, I learned to disassociate myself from the emotions --- to see them as if they belonged to someone else, not me --- in order to be able to function and do what ever was necessary in order to survive regardless of how I felt. In short, I became an actor, or what i more commonly refered to as a "sociopath".
I was explaining all this to him as I lead him down a corridor and into a nearby food court. That was where I woke up and thought what an interesting dream it was.
[J.D. 12-24-13]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)