Being The Bad Man

I dreamt that I was in a school hall. It could have been high school, or maybe a junior college. I saw a young woman just inside one of the class rooms. She was watching me, and seemed to know me but I didn't know her. Out of curiosity I approached the entrance to the classroom and asked the girl what the class was inside. She told me it was a class about people who victimize other people. I asked if I could sit in and she backed away from the door. I took this as an invitation and entered the room behind her.

I saw the woman take a seat near the entrance, but now she seemed overly wary of me. The class was full of students, young adults, and a teacher lecturing at the front. The only seat was on the other side of the room in the back. As I walked to sit down I noticed the woman saying something, apparently about me, to the other students around her. As I took my seat, the teacher, having noticed the commotion, called for her to speak.

She told the class that I was stalking and harassing her. I was dumbfounded by her accusation! But, before I could say anything in my own defense, the teacher told me to let her finish. When I was finally allowed to speak, the entire class scoffed at me, even when I tried to explain that I did not know the young woman claiming to be my "victim". The teacher supported her and the scoffing by telling the class that such "denial" is typical of a victimizer.

I quickly realized that there was nothing I could say or do that the teacher and entire class would not view as a "victimizer's attempt to distort and evade the truth", THEIR "truth". I also realized from listening to my accuser talk that she was the one "obsessed" with the idea that I was obsessed with her. I remembered seeing her around as she described various circumstances where I "victimized" her, apparently with my presence alone.

Then I woke up feeling extremely frustrated over not being able to say or do anything to make myself understood. It was an all too familiar sense of frustration. I suspect it is one that all so-called "victimizers" feel, whether they are guilty or not. And I also believe it is a primary reason we feel justified to "victimize" anyone. Because it doesn't matter if we do or don't. So, we do, if only to stay consistent with the "truth" as it is perceived regardless of what we do.

[J.D. June 2, 2019]