One of the reasons I keep this dream blog, and the primary reason I am so fascinated by all dreams (mine, or anyone else's), is because I believe dreams are the best clue we have into the nature of consciousness itself. I'm not as interested in the interpretations of dreams as I am in the mechanical aspects. That is, what can and cannot be done in dreams? Or, what precisely is the difference between dream experience and "real" experience? And, how exactly are they the same?
Just now I awoke from my morning siesta in which I was having a typical dream as I woke up. I somehow managed to retain the thread of consciousness as my mind slid from the dream state back to reality (or rather, what we call reality). As I did this I noticed the dream experience transitioned into a narrative that I myself was dictating or "making up" as the dream went along. In other words, it was like I had caught the man behind the curtain, and that man was me! One minute I was talking to someone on the phone in the dream world, and the next I was merely imagining the conversation I was having and inventing the words of the other person I was talking to as well as my own. The dream went from dream experience to simple and ordinary imagination without skipping a beat.
If this type of transition had only occured once or twice then I would register it as interesting, but not give it much significance. Perhaps it could be just some sort of trick of the dream consciousness, or even just an anomaly. But, I have experienced these types of transitions, where I "catch" myself imaging the dream as it goes along, several times (though they are rare). That makes me wonder, is a dream no more than an unconsciously imagined or invented story that our brain then translates for us into an actual experience? And if so, then might "reality" be no more than a similarly imagined story that some superconscious being is narrating, and inventing as He goes along, as well?
I realize of course that I'm not the first person to ever propose such a question about the nature of reality. But, i only do so now because of the experience I had this morning of that exact thing seeming to happen, at least on a personal level. So why shouldn't it happen on a cosmic level?
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
1-800 HELL
Shortly after my arrest in 2005 I had a disturbing dream that I am only now able to understand at all. I may have written it down in a journal I was keeping at the time, but I don't recall ever talking to anyone about it.
The dream had an obvious interpretation that did not make any sense to me. I was afraid that if I told anyone about it that they would draw the only conclusion that the dream seemed to offer: that I belonged in Hell!
It was a lucid dream, which is to say that it was vivid, with clear details, and I was fully conscious of the fact that I was in a dream and that in “reality” I was asleep in a jail cell awaiting prosecution for capital murder and kidnapping.
At the time of this dream I was still struggling consciously (while awake and asleep) to sort out what had happened, and why I had surrendered to the police. A strong feeling that pervaded my thoughts and feelings at the time was a sense of having joined some mystical community that as yet remained a mystery to me. While I could distinctly feel a sense of belonging to this community, I could not otherwise identify its existence. I thought maybe that the community was purely “spiritual” with little or no real counterpart in the “physical” world.
The dream I had seemed to be yet another manifestation of that sense of belonging to some mystical community. In the dream I found myself standing in the foyer of a congregation hall, like a church, but not a church. I approached the main entrance to the hall, large double doors that were wide open and through which I could see a large gathering of people apparently waiting for some ceremony to begin.
I thought maybe they were waiting for me. But as I approached the entrance, two large male porters who were standing there turned and took notice of me.
They seemed to recognize me immediately, but not in any positive way at all. In fact, one of them exclaimed, “How did you get here?” implying by his tone that I definitely did not belong.
Then, without waiting for me to answer (I tried to explain to them that I was having a lucid dream and that I wanted to be a part of their congregation, but I never got the chance) they quickly took me by the arms and shuffled me toward a coatroom, where an attendant was waiting.
The same porter who spoke the first time indicated to the coatroom attendant that he should retain me, and then told him (and this part I remember clearly), “Call 1-800 HELL”
Then I woke up (or, rather, found myself suddenly back in my jail cell) with the clear impression that I was not wanted in that congregation.
What confused me was that these men clearly judged me, apparently without cause. Even then I understood that such judgement was not conducive to an enlightened body of people. I should have been accepted and loved, especially since I had sincerely repented my ignorance (and my “crimes”). So why was I so harshly and brashly judged?
Well, I think I have finally come to an understanding. I think that perhaps because I was still alive (i.e. had a physical body) that the condemnation to “hell” did not have to be eternal. In other words, I was being “sent back” for more work.
Actually, I'm still not sure what the dream meant. But at least I now have a plausible explanation. Maybe hell is no more than some kind of soul smetter, and my soul was yet to be fired. Or maybe that's just one definition, or purpose, of hell. I'm not going to pretend I know what hell or heaven is. But if they exist at all then they must have some reason to exist beside simple reward and punishment.
The dream had an obvious interpretation that did not make any sense to me. I was afraid that if I told anyone about it that they would draw the only conclusion that the dream seemed to offer: that I belonged in Hell!
It was a lucid dream, which is to say that it was vivid, with clear details, and I was fully conscious of the fact that I was in a dream and that in “reality” I was asleep in a jail cell awaiting prosecution for capital murder and kidnapping.
At the time of this dream I was still struggling consciously (while awake and asleep) to sort out what had happened, and why I had surrendered to the police. A strong feeling that pervaded my thoughts and feelings at the time was a sense of having joined some mystical community that as yet remained a mystery to me. While I could distinctly feel a sense of belonging to this community, I could not otherwise identify its existence. I thought maybe that the community was purely “spiritual” with little or no real counterpart in the “physical” world.
The dream I had seemed to be yet another manifestation of that sense of belonging to some mystical community. In the dream I found myself standing in the foyer of a congregation hall, like a church, but not a church. I approached the main entrance to the hall, large double doors that were wide open and through which I could see a large gathering of people apparently waiting for some ceremony to begin.
I thought maybe they were waiting for me. But as I approached the entrance, two large male porters who were standing there turned and took notice of me.
They seemed to recognize me immediately, but not in any positive way at all. In fact, one of them exclaimed, “How did you get here?” implying by his tone that I definitely did not belong.
Then, without waiting for me to answer (I tried to explain to them that I was having a lucid dream and that I wanted to be a part of their congregation, but I never got the chance) they quickly took me by the arms and shuffled me toward a coatroom, where an attendant was waiting.
The same porter who spoke the first time indicated to the coatroom attendant that he should retain me, and then told him (and this part I remember clearly), “Call 1-800 HELL”
Then I woke up (or, rather, found myself suddenly back in my jail cell) with the clear impression that I was not wanted in that congregation.
What confused me was that these men clearly judged me, apparently without cause. Even then I understood that such judgement was not conducive to an enlightened body of people. I should have been accepted and loved, especially since I had sincerely repented my ignorance (and my “crimes”). So why was I so harshly and brashly judged?
Well, I think I have finally come to an understanding. I think that perhaps because I was still alive (i.e. had a physical body) that the condemnation to “hell” did not have to be eternal. In other words, I was being “sent back” for more work.
Actually, I'm still not sure what the dream meant. But at least I now have a plausible explanation. Maybe hell is no more than some kind of soul smetter, and my soul was yet to be fired. Or maybe that's just one definition, or purpose, of hell. I'm not going to pretend I know what hell or heaven is. But if they exist at all then they must have some reason to exist beside simple reward and punishment.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Gap Chasm Dream
Last night I dreamed I was in a wheelchair and a man offered to help by pushing it for me. But I told him it was okay because I really didn't need the wheelchair, I just used it to help carry my "stuff". Then I go up out of the chair to show him, and he left.
I got back in the chair and continued wheeling toward a lake that I intended to go scuba diving in (I was just returning after retrieving a scuba mask and a towel so I could do so). Suddenly there was a drop-off and I jump out of the chair just before the chair itself went over the edge. I could see the chair had fallen about twenty feet into a chasm that was about fifteen feet wide with dirt walls. I knew I had to cross the chasm to get to the lake, so I found a spot that I was somehow familiar with and started to climb down.
But, I lost my footing and started to fall. Instead of panicking though I pushed away from the wall just enough so I could see the vines and grab them to slow my fall. Thus I reached the bottom safely. When I went to retrieve the chair though it was gone! Now I panicked. I thought, how could it be gone? It was only out of my sight for a moment and there was no one else around. Or was there?
I suddenly remembered that a wise friend had told me that Gremlins could steal things and take them back to their lairs without anyone seeing them. He also showed me how to find a gremlins lair, but I had to move fast, as soon as the item went missing.
So I ran off down the bottom of the chasm which soon opened up into a rocky valley. I knew what direction I needed to go in hopes of retrieving the wheelchair, but then I saw a large tyrannosaur-like creature prowling nearby - much to near for comfort. So I thought, well, I can live without that wheelchair, and I turned to continue my journey to the lake; a much safer place than this strange valley.
But no sooner did I turn around and I realize that now my scuba-mask and towel were missing too! I was carrying these things on me, and somehow the gremlin took them! These I could NOT live without. So I turned right back around and continued my pursuit of the gremlin in spite of any danger.
The dream continued a bit after that, but the important parts are here. Later today I picked up the book I have been reading about Carl Jung's life (Memories, Dreams, Reflections), and shortly came across this passage:
"These victims of the psychic dichotomy of our times are merely optional neurotics; their apparent morbidity drops away the moment the gulf between the ego and the unconscious is closed."
I realized instantly that the "gulf" Jung spoke of was possible what the chasm in my dream represented. The lake I was trying to get to then would have represented my unconscious mind according to this theory.
I typically read books like this with a pencil (or some other marker) in hand, and I employed my pencil to underline Jung's reference to the "gulf between the ego and the unconscious", and continued reading.
A little later I picked up another book that I'm also reading to help with my meditation (Tulku's, Openness Mind), and shortly ran into this:
"The shadow of fear is always hiding in the gap between our subjective and objective worlds."
Again, I instantly recognized the possible relationship this could have to my dream (assuming that "subjective" refers to the unconscious, and "objective" to the conscious "ego" that Jung spoke of). I thought it was strange that both books I was reading would mention the same concept in the section I read on the same day of this dream. It was a perfect example of what Jung calls "synchronicity" (coincidences that are really coincidences at all).
But Tulku's book went even further. The very next sentence reads:
"We have the fear of losing ourselves, of losing out identity."
Wow" Did I really just read that? I thought about it for a moment and quickly realized that it was explaining the dream yet again, perfectly!
The wheelchair symbolized how I saw myself as a damaged (mentally handicapped), an important part of my self image. In the dream of course I denied any handicap at all, and proved it by getting up and walking. But that fits my "identy" perfectly. I am constantly trying to prove I am not "mentally handicapped", even though I secretly think I am (I rationalize this contradiction by telling myself that my "handicap" is not important as far as others are concerned - in other words, I think I should be the only one who can "see" it).
The scuba mask represents my "adventurer" identity, and the towel stood for my "swimmer" identity (i.e. someone who "swims" in the "unconscious"). I realized after making these connections with my dream that these are three of my most "cherished" identities (or at least, most important to me). And the gremlin stole them! No wonder I wanted them back so bad.
Wow. This has given me much to think about. Is there more to the dream message? Perhaps some indication of the direction I should go? Both books suggest eliminating the gap, but I'm not sure what that means in practical terms. I will certainly be increasing my diligence in meditation and keeping a sharp eye out for any further clues in my dreams or otherwise.
(Note: I've long suspected that dreams hold important clues to lifes mysteries, especially our personal ones. But I'm only just now becoming really convinced!)
I got back in the chair and continued wheeling toward a lake that I intended to go scuba diving in (I was just returning after retrieving a scuba mask and a towel so I could do so). Suddenly there was a drop-off and I jump out of the chair just before the chair itself went over the edge. I could see the chair had fallen about twenty feet into a chasm that was about fifteen feet wide with dirt walls. I knew I had to cross the chasm to get to the lake, so I found a spot that I was somehow familiar with and started to climb down.
But, I lost my footing and started to fall. Instead of panicking though I pushed away from the wall just enough so I could see the vines and grab them to slow my fall. Thus I reached the bottom safely. When I went to retrieve the chair though it was gone! Now I panicked. I thought, how could it be gone? It was only out of my sight for a moment and there was no one else around. Or was there?
I suddenly remembered that a wise friend had told me that Gremlins could steal things and take them back to their lairs without anyone seeing them. He also showed me how to find a gremlins lair, but I had to move fast, as soon as the item went missing.
So I ran off down the bottom of the chasm which soon opened up into a rocky valley. I knew what direction I needed to go in hopes of retrieving the wheelchair, but then I saw a large tyrannosaur-like creature prowling nearby - much to near for comfort. So I thought, well, I can live without that wheelchair, and I turned to continue my journey to the lake; a much safer place than this strange valley.
But no sooner did I turn around and I realize that now my scuba-mask and towel were missing too! I was carrying these things on me, and somehow the gremlin took them! These I could NOT live without. So I turned right back around and continued my pursuit of the gremlin in spite of any danger.
The dream continued a bit after that, but the important parts are here. Later today I picked up the book I have been reading about Carl Jung's life (Memories, Dreams, Reflections), and shortly came across this passage:
"These victims of the psychic dichotomy of our times are merely optional neurotics; their apparent morbidity drops away the moment the gulf between the ego and the unconscious is closed."
I realized instantly that the "gulf" Jung spoke of was possible what the chasm in my dream represented. The lake I was trying to get to then would have represented my unconscious mind according to this theory.
I typically read books like this with a pencil (or some other marker) in hand, and I employed my pencil to underline Jung's reference to the "gulf between the ego and the unconscious", and continued reading.
A little later I picked up another book that I'm also reading to help with my meditation (Tulku's, Openness Mind), and shortly ran into this:
"The shadow of fear is always hiding in the gap between our subjective and objective worlds."
Again, I instantly recognized the possible relationship this could have to my dream (assuming that "subjective" refers to the unconscious, and "objective" to the conscious "ego" that Jung spoke of). I thought it was strange that both books I was reading would mention the same concept in the section I read on the same day of this dream. It was a perfect example of what Jung calls "synchronicity" (coincidences that are really coincidences at all).
But Tulku's book went even further. The very next sentence reads:
"We have the fear of losing ourselves, of losing out identity."
Wow" Did I really just read that? I thought about it for a moment and quickly realized that it was explaining the dream yet again, perfectly!
The wheelchair symbolized how I saw myself as a damaged (mentally handicapped), an important part of my self image. In the dream of course I denied any handicap at all, and proved it by getting up and walking. But that fits my "identy" perfectly. I am constantly trying to prove I am not "mentally handicapped", even though I secretly think I am (I rationalize this contradiction by telling myself that my "handicap" is not important as far as others are concerned - in other words, I think I should be the only one who can "see" it).
The scuba mask represents my "adventurer" identity, and the towel stood for my "swimmer" identity (i.e. someone who "swims" in the "unconscious"). I realized after making these connections with my dream that these are three of my most "cherished" identities (or at least, most important to me). And the gremlin stole them! No wonder I wanted them back so bad.
Wow. This has given me much to think about. Is there more to the dream message? Perhaps some indication of the direction I should go? Both books suggest eliminating the gap, but I'm not sure what that means in practical terms. I will certainly be increasing my diligence in meditation and keeping a sharp eye out for any further clues in my dreams or otherwise.
(Note: I've long suspected that dreams hold important clues to lifes mysteries, especially our personal ones. But I'm only just now becoming really convinced!)
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