Drama Dream

   I had an interesting and vivid dream early this morning that seemed to illustrate some puzzling aspects about human emotional interplay.

   In the dream, I was som esort of government agent (probably F.B.I., but I don't specifically recall) assigned to work undercover with and prtect another agent who had no field training. Our goal was to illegally sell counterfeit historical ingots that my partner would pass off as genuine artifacts. He was an expert on the artifacts, which is why he was needed in order to pass off the fake ingots as real to a pair of knowledgeable criminals, one man and one woman.

   The buyers were secret Chinese agents, attempting to make the illegal purchase in order to obtain the artifacts for their government (probably as a matter of national pride and heritage). After they were convinved that the ingots were genuine they instructed my partner to meet them in a secluded stairwell in order to exhange them for a very large sum of money (hundreds of millions of dollars in cash that they had with them in a large cashbox). Against my advice my partner agreed to meet them in the stiarwell, and entered the area before I could stop him.

   Then something happened. The Chinese man grabbed the ingots (in a briefcase -sized special carrying case) and ran while the woman attacked my partner with some sort of small pointed instryment (like a sharp pen, but not a pen; a weapon). I intervened by grabbing the hand in which she wielded the device. At first I fought to keep her from stabbing me with it, but then I realized the she was trying to stab herself. But, I was bigger and stronger than she was, and, unlike in the movies these days where dainty women physically overpower men who are twice their size and strength, I soon managed to force her to releae the weapon. Then I slapped her hard in the face in order to convince her she was overpowered and subdue her. It worked, and once she stopped struggling I quickly cuffed her to the stairwell railing and then went to check on my partner.

   He was facing the wall with his hands over his face. I asked him if he was okay, and he said: "No, she got me in the eye." When I pulled his hand away to look I could see that the eye was blackened by some kind of fast acting corrosive poison and I knew I had to get him to the hospital quickly before the poison spread into his blood.

   This is where the dreams become really interesting, for me at least. When i see his eye and realize the danger he is in I have an overpowering emotional response of strong concern. I hug him and hold him tight in order to assure him, and tell him with strong emotion in my voice and tears in my eyes that he's going to be okay as I begin leading him toward the exit of the stairwell to get help. (I just realized as I write this that the reason for the strong emotional reaction could be related to another very emotional dream I had shortly after my arrest in 2005 about not being able to get anyone to help me remove a pencil that was stuck in my eye [see: "A Pencil In My Eye, entered on November 29, 2010].

   While I was helping my partner along, holding him and crying with concern, he says to me, "Nobody loves me THIS much in my life."

   I knew he meant that I was way over-concerned for him and that my emotional response was disproportionate to the circumstances. I quickly gave him the first excuse that came to mind. I said, "I know, but this is for T.V., so just go with it."

   I then tried to explain to him that I had learned how to step out of my emotions while I was in prison as a way to survive the pain and constant fear. It is what prison teaches. Though the pain and fearful emotions don't go away, I learned to disassociate myself from the emotions --- to see them as if they belonged to someone else, not me --- in order to be able to function and do what ever was necessary in order to survive regardless of how I felt. In short, I became an actor, or what i more commonly refered to as a "sociopath".

   I was explaining all this to him as I lead him down a corridor and into a nearby food court. That was where I woke up and thought what an interesting dream it was.


[J.D. 12-24-13]