A Pencil In My Eye

A few months after I was arrested in Idaho in 2005, while I was still desperately trying to understand what was happening, I had this dream, which I told my attorney's about and also wrote about in a journal that I was keeping at the time. I dreamed that I had a pencil stuck in my eye, and when I tried to pull it out my brains started to come out stuck to the pencil. I was in an outdoor plaza and people were walking all around me, but they either ignored or even avoided me by walking clear around me. I cried desperately, “Please, help me! I'm hurt! Please help me! Help!” But the people continued to ignore me, some just looked right at me but kept walking. They could see me, but why wouldn't they help me? When I woke up from this dream I found I had been crying in my sleep, and I quickly realized that it was not just a dream. It was an apt metaphor for my “sickness” in real life, and the way people just stared at me, but no one would help. Also, in real life, like in the dream, I am effectively blinded in one eye, which prevents me from being able to perceive depth. But in real life the “eye” is my “heart”, or, the part of my subconscious mind that allows me to “see” (ie. Love, understand, etc.) the world I live in and the other people in it. To me, the world is a flat, two-dimensional reality. Of course I know about depth, and the three-dimensional nature of the world, just as a man with one eye knows the world is three-dimensional. But, like a man with one eye, I simply can't see the same way other people see. I know the depth is there, but I can't “see” it (which could explain why I once proclaimed in another dream, “I want to love Jesus but He won't let me!”). This dream perfectly depicts the nightmare that has been my life. The “pencil” is still there today, and it still hurts like hell all the time. It often gets bumped causing flare-ups of pain that I will never be able to prevent as long as the “pencil” remains in my eye. But Shasta, the little girl I couldn't kill, helped me “see”, by letting me look through her eyes. And what I saw changed the way I see things forever. I saw a whole new dimension to reality that I once knew, but had long since forgotten! I knew that without Shasta I would be “blind” again. But the glimpse she gave me was all I needed. She restored my hope in love. I suspect there are a lot of one-eyed people in the world, but not for much longer. We only need each other to “see.”