The Mandelbrot Solution

 two opposing volitions (wills) (changing position?) with benign factor

if it "runs away" (one direction or another) then it "fails" (is "puned")

balance is the key - but not perfect balance

- it is a type of desired balance

balance achieved and sustained by desire! (volition)

goal is not perfect balance, but sustained volition/desire

The ability to change is real power

but change can only happen when a new stable state is achieved

No, you don't belong here, but this is exactly where you need to be --- you are nobody, and everybody

at the same time

The artists suffer with every stroke of her brush/pen

"I heed the guy who feels the need to outplan the future" -Oprah to Denzel

In a world full of artists, the fool cries with his smile.

Dream War!

I have hesitantly come to believe that in my many past lives I was a warrior who followed the Eastern traditions of conflict resolution (i.e. warfare) to the hilt (literally). And the dream I had this morning is just another example of the sort of dreams that has lead me to such a drastic, possibly even delusional, supposition.

The dream I had began where I was a Westerner (American, most likely) visiting traditional Asian market places, where anything from small children (for sex) to potato soup made with eel larvae (as the key ingredient) was available for a price, dominated and controlled by a Yakuzi type of crime/union syndicate. I was there looking for something to eat on the lamb. It seemed I was an international spy/operative of some sort, gathering information for a mission, and my mission was to start a war between ukazi/union and the "common people" that they dominated and oppressed. To do so I needed to supply weapons of carnage (e.g. grenade launchers, machine guns, and anti-tank rockets, etc. for the right people, who were ready to use them, and sacrifice their lives doing so.

In my dream, it was understood that in this place (world), a faction of war established itself, and its strength, not by demonstrating its willingness to kill - that is seen as an indication of fear, and hence, weakness. Real strength was demonstrated by a faction's willingness to die for what it believed/respected (which is consistent with my waking awareness of ancient Eastern traditions of conflict resolution, as expressed in books such as "The Five Rings", "The Art of War", etc.).

In the dream I found a "hero" to serve my cause (help start the war). She was a young female (barely a teen) prostitute. She showed me where I could get food without drawing attention to myself, but I had to settle for the eel-larvae soup, which was reputed for making people very ick (the larvae became parasitical in the human digestive tract). So I fed, without drawing attention, and then gave the weapons to the girl, who immediately began using them against the yak Uzi guards, and then together we ran, both armed and shooting at anyone who shot at us or otherwise posed a threat, and yelling, "War! War! War!"

After a time, and after much killing on both sides, and after receiving wounds of my own (in particular, I was slashed on the backs of my legs by a samurai sword, we both, the girl and I, got away, and found a place to rest, also without drawing attention.

Then, the next day when we went out to test the level of carnage we had wrought (would it be enough?): all seemed quiet, until suddenly, on a National T.V. channel, a well-known and easily recognized member of the yak Uzi stabbed himself in the hand for all to see. It was an unmistakable declaration of war! We had achieved our objective.

When I woke up, and got up to get a drink of water (in my "handicap" cell, back in the "real world": I was sore and stiff all over, like I'd been working out all day previously (which in a way I had, but mostly just trying to practice walking on my numb and almost useless left leg and foot - it's getting better, though, so that's good).

At the end of the dream I remember entering a type of dojo (or school) and the master sat sagaciously while his students filed past and ultimately took up position, within the dojo to defend it. But instead of preparing to fight, they began stabbing themselves in the hand, effectively maiming themselves. This was some sort of show of strength and determination. When I asked the master, he explained to me, without words (I just "understood" him without speaking) that in the war to come, the ability to kill will be a sign of fear and weakness, but the ability to sacrifice is a show of strength and determination, etc.

[J.D. Nov 4, 2020]   

Baby Sister...

 I dreamed last night that I was living "on the streets" of some big city with my younger brother Bruce (who died in real life from a burst aortal aneurysm shortly after my arrest, in 2005). We made our way, through an alley to an abandoned house where we crashed (i.e. lived and slept) with some friends and my youngest sister, Teena (older than me in real life, but younger than my other sisters) who was taking care of my brother and I (in the dream) by providing food, and shelter (she had found the abandoned house, and secured it against other homeless kids. 

In the dream, Teena showed me some food she got for us, and told me I could have what I wanted (I remember there being peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and pop tarts (also, p b and j). She said, "Mom should be the one feeding us (but our mom was out "dating men", or something), and I said, "Mom shouldn't have left us (alone), i.e. I didn't mind not being fed, but it hurt more to be "abandoned", per se).

After that, a friend "pothead" who stayed with us came in and I offered him some food too. Then I said, "If I had a baby sister then we could pimp her and make money. It was meant as a joke, but I felt really bad after I said it because I realized my sister might have heard. So I went over to where my sister, Teena, was sitting with my brother, Bruce, playing video games on an old dilapidated sofa and told her we needed to talk. She and I went into an alcove an my brother tagged along. Then I "confessed" to her about what I had said, and told her I felt sorry. She said it was okay, but I still felt bad, so I told her I needed a hug, and she got up so I could hug her, and as I did she said, "Don't hold back on me (i.e. she wanted a hug too), then I said, "This is what sisters are for," and meant it in contrast to my earlier "joke".

[J.D. October 27, 2020]

... But It's Not Me!

I often dream about sexual situations of all sorts, from pedophile rape to heterosexual passion. But, I never seem to be able to dream about actual intercourse to the point of climax. Even when I was regularly practicing lucid dreaming (i.e. conscious dream control), I could never control my dreams enough to have full intercourse, much less climax. And this bane often extends in various ways around other sexual behavior and situations. For example, I often find it difficult to simply remove my clothes in a dream, or even just pull my pants down or otherwise expose myself for sexual reasons. And, it is a phenomenon that appears to be exclusive for my dreams. I have read a lot about dreaming, but I have never read about or heard of such limitation before. In fact, I've read about many cases of both lucid and non-lucid dream sex fantasies coming true to the point of ecstatic fulfillment. So, why can't I ever do the same?

Well, the dream I had last night may be evident of an answer to that question that I've been contemplating for some time now, many years in fact. It was not in itself an extraordinary dream. I was in some sort of extraordinary prison where the cells were more like dorm rooms, each one occupied by at least two prisoners. For some reason I found myself hiding in a room that wasn't mine, though my room, and room mate, were in the same hallways, close by - [I had no idea who lived there], but I knew that most of the rooms were occupied by dangerous men who demanded "respect" (the way the most dangerous men usually do, with fear), and so I was very consciously careful not to disturb or touch anything in the room as I hid there (beneath a blanket).

I heard a female guard come in, look around, and for some strange reason say the word, "Up", in a way that it seemed to mean, "All clear." Then she left.

As soon as I felt it was clear, I got up and left the room, but in the hall was a large muscular black man who I knew by reputation as not someone to mess with (i.e. a dangerous person). He saw me come from the room and confronted me immediately.

"What the fuck were you doing in my cell?" he demanded glowering.

I said all I could say, "Uh, I was hiding. But I didn't touch anything, or snoop at all, I swear!"

He used his body to more or less intimidate me back into the room where it was clear he wanted to check it out before he decided what to do with me. I recognized the move, and the look on his face that meant he saw some advantage for him that he hoped to exploit. And since the only "asset" I had was my ass, I decided to stand in a way that put my ass within easy reach of his hands.

Apparently, he recognized my move as well, as he "bumped" into my ass, and then when I did not complain (or act surprised), he grabbed my ass lustfully, and then...

And then, the next thing I knew, I was back in my own cell/room, fully dressed by laying on my bunch/bed talking with my celly/room-mate, with whom I had a completely non-sexual relationship with and whom knew nothing of my encounter with the dangerous black man down the hall. But, my asshole was still tingling from being used, and I remember clearly thinking how nice it was to have another man's cum inside me after so long (years). But, I had no recollection whatsoever of the sex itself!

WTF? Usually, in situations like this in my dreams, where I am about to enjoy some real "hardcore" sex, I'll either wake up, or the dream will shift entirely to a completely different situation. This is the first time I remember where the ream just "skipped over" the sex, but then continued in the same dream. As I said, WTF? It seems as though someone, or something, other than "me", is deliberately blocking me from having hardcore sex in my dreams! But how? And why?!

I think the first and most obvious answer is guilt. But, I've carefully considered that and I don't think it is very likely. First of all, I don't feel any conscious guilt about my sexual proclivities, or exploits. So, that leave unconscious, or so-called "repressed" guilt. But there are several problems with that as well. Namely, the fact that all kinds of sex is blocked in my reams, even sex with my fiancée, who is a very sexually attractive adult female who I have a strong emotional affinity and attachment to, and vice versa. So, why would my dreams block out sex with her (and they have, far too often) when there is clearly nothing to feel "guilty" about (not that I think there is ever something to feel "guilty" about, since to me all guilt is a fabricated emotional construct that we manifest in order to compensate for other emotional lies we tell ourselves; but, that's a different thread altogether, so let's continue). There are numerous other more subtle reasons that I doubt any sort of "guilt" could be responsible for this phenomenon, but I think my point has been made, so I'll move on.

I have considered many other possible reasons, but only one has stood unshaken by my scrutiny and intensely honest interrogations. I'm not suggesting it is the only answer I believe possible; even so-called "guilt" may be a possible reason on some level I have yet to explore. So, I don't eliminate or content myself with any possibility. This is just the one I find myself considering most often, and which seems to have merit, per se. And, it explains more than just dreams. it is the possibility that, as Pink Floyd puts it so succinctly, "there's someone in my head, but it's not me" in their song, "Brain Damage". It seems clear to me in this latest dream that there is some sort of reasoning conscious intent behind the way sex is effectively censored in my dreams; but it's not MY consciousness!

So, who, or what, consciousness is it? And what are its reasons? Now those are questions that have plagued numerous strange and unexplained events in my lie. I often think that maybe there is some sort of extra-sensory consciousness acting not only in my dreams, but in my life as well. It would explain a lot if there were, an there is no evidence there's not, or that it isn't possible (which disqualifies it as a "delusion" according to the standard definition), and a lot of real scientific evidence (not to be confused with all the B.S. surrounding it) that there is something more conscious than we are at play in the world.

I won't bother listing all the real science that I am aware of in this regard, but if you are interested then you can find out for yourself; just don't believe anything you read until you've verified the credibility of its source, and never accept anyone's explanation for any of it. It is the explanations that distort and end up clouding the facts. So follow the facts (when confirmed) and you will find your way to some amazing science!

That being said, and assumed here, I sometimes think that maybe my life is being manipulated (as demonstrated by how my dreams appear to be manipulated) by this other consciousness, for reasons my very limited, and proven fallible, consciousness may never even begin to comprehend. But, if that is true (and I'm not claiming it is, only that it is possible, and supported by the evidence) then it would seem that I am being "shaped" or "molded" intellectually, emotionally, and perhaps "spiritually" by something or someone I can only hope is benevolent, and has...

Wait... I was going to say, and has my best interest at heart. But, what would that mean if I don't even know what my best interest is? Maybe my best interest is something so far beyond my personal experience --- and thus beyond my limited intellectual capacity --- that it ends up being something that involves great sorrow, even pain and suffering on my behalf, as an individual! Who can say? I certainly cannot. So, I won't even try. All I can say is that the evidence for some "other" consciousness at play both in my dreams, and in my life, is undeniable. There's really no point in saying any more than that. I could call it "God", or "The Universe", or "The Buddha consciousness"; but it really doesn't matter what I call it, or even if it is "real" or some sort of illusion (which it may very well be, just as all experience ultimately is). All that matters is that it is my experience, and a clear and hard to ignore indication that I am not the only conscious being playing around in my head.

The lunatic is in my head

The lunatic is in my head

You raise the blade, you make the change

You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane

You lock the door, and throw away the key

There's someone in my head,

but it's not me

- "Brain Damage" by Pink Floyd

[J.D. July 14, 2020]  

 

City of Dreams

I dreamed last night (March 20, 2020 @ 01:00-05:00) that I had escaped from captivity in some kind of ancient underground city that was a world within itself. The citizens of the city were terrified that I had escaped and the "angels" of the city were organizing in order to recapture and imprison me, since I could not be killed or destroyed.

I was conscious of their preparations at the same time as I was aware of floating up high above the city amongst the architectural structures that supported the cave-like ceiling. I remember also being semi-conscious of the fact that I was dreaming and that in "some other reality" I was in prison on death row. This made me marvel at the detailed vividness of the dream. I looked at the stone carvings around me and watched in fascination as I pushed on them only to make them crumble in giant chinks and fall dangerously off into the city below, possibly killing anyone they fell upon.

The "angels" who hunted me were two breeds. one was a breed of warrior-like beings who would hunt me down and engage me in battle, as they had done many times before. The others were beautiful but bizarre shape-shifting beings that would go out and assist the citizens of the city by alleviating their fear (of me) with songs and entertainment, as well as helping repair any damage I caused and heal the wounded. These shape-shifters were beautiful in the forms they took, but often faceless as they performed their duties. (Specifically in this dream I remember seeing them change from beautiful human-looking females into strangely contorted and bent-over.backwards creatures that spoke in some strange inhuman language as they discussed their preparations and desire to defend the city.)

I remember being acutely aware of the warrior angels discussing the possible release of some smoke-like being that was being held captive as  I was. it seemed this smoke-thing was my mortal enemy, and only it had the power to subdue me, even though they feared it as much as me, they also could control it - or, more correctly, it permitted itself to be imprisoned, so it could be controlled.

In the meantime I was making my own preparations for battle. I apparently had the ability to become conscious, or share consciousness, with anyone I chose (which was how I could be aware of the angels and their preparations). So I joined consciousness with a citizen as he was walking past the faceless angels singing songs to comfort the people. I "watched" (from his conscious perspective) as he continued walking to a secluded part of the city and out onto docks over a shallow lake. I continued watching as he noticed something moving beneath the surface (me) of the water, and shared his fear as I rose up and sliced off the top him with my sword.

But, instead of killing him I continued to cut round cross-section slices from his head that I was able to imbed in twelve-inch thick sheets of ice that stood as tall as the men (there were now several other men I had done the same to) and served as shields for them to fight from behind on my behalf.

When the warrior angels approached my own "warriors" joined their "shields" into a defensive wall. The angels assalted frontally with powerful swords that could cut through the "shields", but only just barely. This allowed my own warriors to attack back with their own swords against the unshielded angels, who fell quickly in the first clash like a slaughter.

Only a few angels survived, but the ones who fell were able to quickly regenerate (it seems they could not be killed either), so they rallied for another attack. But then, to their surprise, my warriors regenerated also, and the angels realized they could not win.

So they told em they would release the smokey being as a last resort, calling it, "Saint Petersburg" (sic). But, when they opened the giant doors to release the Saint instead of smoke it took the form of a giant black robe-like statue, and refused to attack me on behalf of the angels. It seems that I had given it the ability to take on robe-like form in exchange for it not serving the angels.

So the leader of the warrior angels turned to the "unthinkable", and the other oppose him. But he was undeterred as he stepped up to a mighty thrown, which was understood to be the very thrown of God Himself, though it as unoccupied. The leader's hair and beard turned white as he took the thrown and announced his authority to do so as the dominant being in this world. For a moment I feared he was God, or that he would summon God. But instead he summoned, "The master of the dark realms", and then specifically gave this being (clearly "Satan") domination and authority to "rebuild the city in your image". (It seems I had nearly destroyed the entire city by this time, which was my aim... and causes me to wonder now from a waking perspective if possible I was "death" in the dream?)

Suddenly the city began rebuilding and restoring itself. I remember watching now as walls sprang up magically and beautifully adorned in intricate artwork with all the images and symbols of Satan Himself. Now the dream became a kind of documentary promoting all the wonders, in the form of technology, of a world created in Satan's image. The documentary extolled computer tech that connected everyone and provided for everyone's wants and desires. in one scene there were dozens of fleshy orgies taking place while some narrator explained how information was collected and processed on everyone at all times and used to satisfy each individual's every desire. There was a distinctly sad tone to the documentary though, sort of saying that despite all these wonders and having all of our wants and desires fulfilled, were are still missing something.

That seemed like a bunch of propaganda B.S. to me, even in the dream. I have had all of my wants and desires fulfilled in my life, even my deepest darkest fantasies. And it never made me feel sad or like something was missing the way this "docu-dream" seemed to be suggesting. Yes, I always felt that something was missing. But getting what I wanted never distracted me from this truth. I never tried to make myself feel "whole" with sex, drugs, or anything. I just enjoyed those things as the simple pleasures they were and never tried to make them anything more. Maybe that's why I never got addicted to stuff. I could smoke crack cocaine on a binge one night and still be ready to go to school or work the next day fully motivated and with a clear head. It often puzzled me why so many others found that so difficult.

Anyway, in the dream I got bored and suddenly found myself sitting in a prison movie theater realizing the entire dream was a movie up on the big screen. I decided the end was not worth sticking around for. So I left the theater via a long flight of stairs up to the main prison population area.

Above the theater on ground level the prison itself consisted of miles of barred cages, each holding ten or fifteen prisoners of all sees and ages, including young children. I remember seeing one very naive an innocent looking little girl who could have been no more than five or six years old, and wondering what her "crime" would have been at that age.

Anyway, I was wandering around looking for my cell when I woke up back here on Federal Death Row. I contemplated my dream, and whether or not I should write it down for this blog. At first it seemed obviously the kind of dream that I should write about, but I felt discouraged by the fact that it was so detailed and "real" seeming. I didn't think I would ever be able to represent or convey any of it meaningfully. I though about letting it be something private that I kept and contemplated by myself. In the end the need to share my experience won out. Maybe by doing so I might learn more than I would otherwise. So.. here it is. If you have any ideas or thoughts about what this dream is about please feel free to leave a comment so I might know, and thank you.

[J.D. March 20, 2020]

P.S. I don't know if this means anything, but I suspect it may, so I thought I'd add that after I awoke from this dream I turned on my T.V. and hooked up an antenna I made from empty soda cans to see what I could get off the air (the antenna signal is a lot clearer than the prison cable signal, which is why I prefer it even though it's only 15 channels instead of 40) and on a channel called "TBD" I found a documentary called "DSKNECTD" that ran for two hours and discussed the impact that technology (Internet apps) has on modern social health. That seemed a little synchronistic to me. 

Tigers, Camels, and Soldiers

I dreamed last night that I lived as a teenage boy in a house with my parents on a rural piece of property. We had a full grown female tiger that we had raised, and she had a cub. In the dream I had to move the mother and cub to a location some distance away from the house so she wouldn't threaten friends and family when they came to visit. So I put her cub in  a blanket and carried it, with mother following to see where I was taking her cub, yet trusting me enough to let me do so.

When we reached the edge of a clearing I stopped to let the mother go ahead to make sure it was safe for her cub, which I understood she would do instinctively. After she scouted the clearing and looked back at me to let me know it was all clear I came out with her cub. In the distance I could see a larger clearing on the side of a hill with a house-sized jumble of dirt and piled up dead trees that some farmers had left when they cleared the field. But, it was on the other side of a fenced in high-way.

I pointed to the pile of dead trees and said, "There," to the mother, knowing her well enough to know she would understand that that was where I was taking her cub, and her new home. She consented by heading in the direction I pointed.

We followed a razor-wire topped chain-link fence until we reached a place where a tree grew close enough to the fence that we could use it to climb over, cross the high-way, and then over the fence on the other side, which put us in the field with the pile of dead trees.

I stayed with the mother and cub, keeping an eye on the cub while mother explored the area and inspected the pile of dead trees to see if it would make a suitable den. While she explored I saw a man riding a horse along the top - yes, top - of the chain-link fence on the far side of the road. He was a curiosity at first, but then I saw several more men on horses also riding atop the same fence behind him.

Shortly these men were followed by a band of soldiers on foot walking on the highway, accompanied by their commanders on horseback. One of the commanders saw me in the field and approached. From his horse, and without saying anything, he reached down to offer me a 38 special snub-nose revolver. He indicated that I should take it and shoot one of his soldiers, which I did not do. In the dream I remember thinking it was a test to see if I were friend or foe.

After I refused to take the proffered gun the commander ordered some of his men to commandeer the mother, who for some bizarre dream-reason had become a camel instead of a tiger. But, I pleaded with the commander to leave her (for her baby's sake) and take my prize cow instead. He agreed. So I said a tearful goodbye to my cow, then woke up as she was lead away by the soldiers and I watch the mother, as a tiger again, run off across the field with her cub.

After I woke up, rather late in the day actually, I decided to turn on the T.V. and see if there was anything on to watch while I sipped some coffee to "wake up". On T.V. was a program ("Crime Watch") that I normally don't watch, but it had an interesting story about a 5-year-old boy, Nathan O'Brien, who was kidnapped and murdered along with his grandparents who were caring for him at the time. The story caught my interest because of the similarities to my own crimes. Then, in the story, it turned out that the culprit (Doug Garland) lived alone with his parents on a rural piece of property (in Canada) that looked a lot like the area I had just dreamed about. And the police also found a 38 special snub-nose revolver in the killer's belongings.

I only mention these "coincidents" because it is common for me to see such things on T.V. that I had just dreamed about the night before, implying some sort of conscious connection with myself across a short distance of time. (I say with "myself" because the incidents on T.V. programs are things that may or may not have occurred in reality at all, so it seems it is my conscious witnessing of it on T.V. that somehow bleeds over into my dreams the night before.)

It's just... something peculiar to think about.

[J.D. March 11, 2020] 

The End?

I dreamed last night that I had traveled back in time in a small go-cart-like machine to a period in early colonial America. I was assisting in mundane preparations for some sort of rustic banquet in a town hall. Suddenly one of the other kitchen workers came into the kitchen area and exclaimed that the end of the world was coming!

We followed him into the dining hall where he pointed out a window to a black storm dropping what I assumed was tons of rain in giant gusts from the clouds only a few miles away. I tried to assure everyone that it was just a passing storm and we should all get back to work and not worry about it.

But, a few minutes later back in the kitchen area the same worker came in and exclaimed, "The sky is gone!"

I asked, "What do you mean, 'the sky is gone'?"

And he said, "It's just gone!"

So we followed him to the same bank of windows and this time in the distance I saw a modern city, which made no sense for this time period. And the city was being crushed by a wall of stone rocks and whatnot coming down from the sky. When I looked up directly overhead I saw some sort of giant machine spanning the entire sky coming down through darkened clouds.

None of this made sense. I knew that because I was from the future I would know about a calamity of this scale. I saw the machine in the sky tilt so that in the distance it made contact with the earth and began pushing up huge mounds of rock and mud. I felt the earth tremble as the shockwaves passed like earthquakes.

I ran back to the kitchen looking for my time machine and escape back into the future. But I had apparently disassembled the machine and realized there was no time to reassemble it.

I began to panic and tried to calm myself so I could think clearly and find a way to survive what seemed now clearly to be the end of the world. I decided I did not want to die inside and not knowing at least what killed me.

So I burst open the kitchen door and ran outside. I found myself in a contemporary urban neighborhood with two and three-story apartment complexes but only a few other survivors.

I yelled out, "What's happening?"

But no one seemed to hear me from the din of the storm and destruction all around.

I saw a woman in a '67 Mustang convertible with its top down that had been thrown off the road into a field. I approached her and repeated my question.

"What's happening?" I asked.

"I don't know!" she yelled back.

Then I heard a song, or rather felt a song in my mind that conveyed intention without words. It sang something like, "This is to heal you." But the word "This" was a kind of self-reference in lieu of "I" or "We", and "you" meant the entire planet, not the inhabitants (people) on it.

It was like some multi-dimensional entity had descended upon the planet, not from some other space or time, but from some other dimension entirely. So it was able to appear throughout the entire history of earth at once. And the people, like me and the woman in the car, were not even germs to it - or "this", as it seemed to call itself. The ground under my feet became pillowy and difficult to walk on, and streams of what seemed like tangled magnetic tape at first, and then becoming long tangles of human hair, like dreadlocks, came down from the sky in clumps that entangled and retrieved anyone out in the open.

I managed to evade the "dreadlocks" and started looking for cover. I could see giant fleshy wounds the size of cities opening up in the earth off in the distance. I saw a cement structure built into the side of a hill nearby with someone in it. This looked relatively secure so I made my way to it.

I managed to get inside, but only just. I saw a man with his teen daughter there who appeared to be from some future beyond my own time. But the structure was clearly not sufficient to ward off the destruction from all around and we knew we were doomed. The last thing I remember before waking up was that I wanted to take off my clothes, so I could leave the world the same way I came into it, naked.

[J.D. December 18, 2019]