Obviously,
for those who've been paying any attention, I'm one of those people
who think that dreams have something coherent to tell us, if we
just.. uh.. pay attention. I don't take this «belief» of mine very
seriously though (I generally don't take anything I only «believe»
very seriously); so, for whatever it's worth here's a dream that has
been bothering me for the last two days because of the «message» it
seems to impart. I'll tell you the dream first, so you can think
about what it means yourself. Then, I'll tell you what it means to
me.
The
entire dream --- or, at least the part I remember with the «message»
--- can be written in one paragraph: I'm by myself in a car (sedan)
that is moving driver-less through a store parking lot. I'm riding in
the back seat, looking out the windows and I see an attractive child.
I say to myself --- thinking nobody else is in the car to hear ---
«Man, I would fuck the shit out of that!» (or something similarly
obscene). Suddenly I notice that the car isn't driver-less after all. There are two «adults» sitting in the front, and one is clearly the
driver. I suddenly feel embarrassed about what I just said, and I
wonder if they could hear me or not.
That's
the entire (relevant portion of the) dream. What do you think it
means? Let me provide you with some contextual information that might
help you figure out.
First,
it is a fact that in reality (i.e. when I am awake and consciously
existing) I am in the habit of making obscene comments, like the one
in this dream, to myself when I'm sure nobody can hear me. If there
is any chance that someone might hear, then I just think them to
myself. I consider this a playful and harmless habit, and I don't
obsess over it. I simply make the comment (or think it) then move on
to other things in my mind, often without breaking stride (or my
stream of thought). Like I said, it's just a silly game I play,
perhaps as a way to make myself feel a little less «condemned» for
being a «pervert» by simply affirming the «perverted» thoughts to
myself in this way. (The «perverted» thoughts aren't just about
children. I also frequently say, or think, things like, «Fuck my fag
ass», or «punk me»; not to mention the «usual» obscene things
that any «normal» man might think when he sees an appealing woman.)
Secondly,
cars in my dreams seem to have a consistent symbolism. They represent
the general body of events in my life as an individual. In other
words, the car is a symbol for the life I lead. So, a sports car
symbolizes a «fast and furious» life, while a sedan is a symbol for
a more conservative life. More significantly, I frequently dream that
I am driving a car but can't control it, and I believe this is a
direct indication of the lack of control I frequently experience over
my life. In fact, I have observed that when I do manage to drive a
car under control in a dream that it always corresponds to a period
in my life where I feel more in control of events than usual.
When
you put the dream I had a couple of days into this context I think
the «meaning» becomes hauntingly clear. Think about it.
Go
on... think about it.
I'm
in the backseat of a car. Clearly not only not in control, but not
even AT the controls. But, somebody is (at the controls) because the
car is moving purposefully through a parking lot (and what might the
parking lot symbolize?). I see a child, make my obscene comment, and
suddenly the driver and a companion appear. Were they there all the
time? Was I simply ignorant of their presence (i.e. ignoring them
unconsciously)? I someone at the controls of my life this very
moment; someone I can't «see» because of my «ignorance» (or
«ignorence» (sic) as I like to say sometimes)?
I
have been consciously «letting go» of control over my life more and
more lately. Could this dream be trying to tell me that by doing so
I'm essentially letting other «beings» drive my life for me? And if
so, is that «good», or «bad»? And are «they» listening to me,
maybe even to my thoughts, as I mumble or think my obscene little
private game? Maybe it's not as private as I thought! That actually
fits with my belief that nothing we ever say, or do, or think is ever
truly private at all. Is this dream affirming that belief, or mocking
it?
It's
questions like these that make me want to climb into the «backseat»
in the first place. There is simply no way to answer them, and hence,
no way to «see where my life is heading» even if I were «at the
controls».
So,
the dream makes me wonder...should I let «them» drive (and perhaps
let them «park» my life)? Or, should I be in the front seat, behind
the wheel, at least trying to drive my life even though I can't even
«see» where I'm going, much less manage to control the «car»? Am
I expected to «learn» control over my life this way (i.e. blindly
and out of control)? (Isn't that the way we learn the fundamental
things in life, like how to walk and talk?)
Whatever
the dream may or may not be «saying», it certainly gives me a lot
to think about. It could also just be a reflection, in symbols, of my
own ongoing internal conflicts and questions. Whatever it is, it's
fun to think about. :)
[J.D.
March 17, 2015]
