I have been reading a book on lucid dreaming and hoping to improve my abilities as an oneironaut (pronounced oh-NIGH-ro-knot, and meaning „explorer of dreams”). But I haven't had much luck lately. All hopes of lucidity aside, I did have an interesting dream last night, or rather this morning, after breakfast when I wenr back to sleep (which the book says is the best time for lucid dreams). In fact, I think maybe this could be one of the most intriguing dreams that I've ever had. I'm going to need some time to think about it, that's for sure. It could end up being a real game changer for me.
The dream I'm talking about was actually kind of sandwiched between two other seemingly unrelated dreams that I don't remember for some reason. But, the significant part all seemed to happen in this sequence:
I was in a plain rectangular room with just one door. The room seemed to be a private waiting room of some sort. There was a young boy in the room with me, but I don't remember why he was there or what he was doing. I was waiting for my attorneys to finish confering with each other about my case in another room just down the hall from this one.
There were two young women standing in the doorway who I knew to be investigators working for the attorneys in the other room (though in real life I have many investigators and attorneys who have worked on my cases all of whom I call my friends, these dream counterparts did not correlate with any of them specifically). The women were obviously keeping an eye on me while acting all friendly and pretending to just be keeping me company. I easily saw through their facade and was irritated by it. When I tried to leave the room they made excuses for why I should stay. I started to feel like a prisoner.
Finally I became overly impatient and pushed my way past the two women into the hallway outside the door, ignoring their pretentiously concerned protests. I walked down the hall to the left and passed another room where I saw the five or six attorneys sitting of a conference table. They didn't seem to notice as I walked by with the two investigators on me heels.
The hall opened onto the promenade of a large indoor shopping mall (indoor malls have been a recurring theme in my dreams for the past several years now). I walked quickly into a mall restaurant, past the dinning customers, and directly to the kitchen. I was hoping that the women following me wouldn't come into the kitchen out of propriety. But, they stayed right behind me the whole time.
I wanted to loose my tail without making a scene (by trying to run away from them for example). So, true to my real-life character, I stopped to think about the problem and find a solution. I laid down on a metal kitchen table with my face toward the women so I could see them. They were once again posting sentry, this time at the entrance to the kitchen. I watched them for several minutes and noticed a three or four second gap in their vigil when they traded places at the door. The next time they turned their backs while trading positions.
I was ready. I got up quickly and dashed for the rear door of the kitchen. It lead to a hall in the restaurant that gave access to the customer restrooms. I was out of the women's sight, but not for long. I needed to hide fast before they found me again.
I darted into the men's restroom, then quickly climbed over the rear stall wall. Rather than climbing all the way down on the other side I hung upside down against the stall. It turned out to be a janitor's space behind the stall (judging by the mop-bucket and cleaning supplies I saw there). From my position hanging upsidedown I could see under the stall, but anyone looking under the stalls wouldn't be able to see me.
As expected, the bathroom door soon flew open, and I could see the high-heeled shoes and stockings of what was without doubt one of the investigators. She bent down to look under the stalls, then hurriedly left. But, before I could climb down a man came in. He entered the toilet stall just inches away from me and sat down to ude it. I couldn't hold my position and the man heard me as I tried to adjust my grip to keep from falling on my head. The man made some comment under his breath that could have been, „Freakin' Fags”, or something similar, then quickly pulled up his pants and left. Good riddens, I thought.
So, I climbed out from behind the stall and crept out of the bathroom. I knew there was still a chance that I would be spotted by the women who were earnestly looking for me nearby, but I had to get out of the mall before they got help (from mall security for example). So, walking as quickly as I could without drawing attention I exited the restaurant through the front then headed down the promenade looking for a mall exit.
Now, here's where things start to get interesting. I mentioned a moment ago that malls are a recurring theme in my dreams of late. But, I didn't realize until this dream (after I woke up and thought about it later) that the malls never have any exits! In the other mall dreams i never really realized the exits were missing because never before had I been so earnest to find one. But, this time I needed an exit, and fast.
After finding no exits from the promenade I began frantically entering the stores and looking for exits in the backs of them, with no luck of course. I just kept ending up back in the mall's promenade. Then suddenly I found myself at the end of a side corridor facing the entrances for three peculiar sideshows. Somehow I remembered from another dream (though because I was not lucid in this dream it just seemed like an ordinary remembrance to me, not from another dream at all) that in order to leave the mall I needed to watch all of the sideshows without getting drawn in and becoming a part of the entertainment, which it seemed, was a perilous task.
In the previous dreams I had already seen the first two shows, so I had only to sit through the third show and I would be free. But, I knew this third show presented the greatest challenge, and that there was a real danger that I would be trapped by it forever!
As I stood contemplating this obstacle I realized I wasn't alone. A small attractive and young woman stood next to me. With dreamlike understanding I knew that she was me too. We were to face the third sideshow together. But somehow I also knew that the real danger was for her. I was concerned, but we knew we had to take the chance so we could get out of the mall before being found again.
We both passed through the heavy dark curtains to enter the show. We found ourselves in a theater with enough seats for about 200 people. There were a couple dozen or so men scattered about in the seats making up the audience. After I woke up I realized this must have been a porno theater where men, and sometimes women, go to have sex. But, I didn't make that association at all the time in the dream.
Toward the front of the theater, in the first or second row of seats, a man stood facing toward me and she-me in the back where we had just come in. With a big jovial smile on his face he waved at us and hollered, „There you are! We've bee waiting for you!”
The dream abruptly shifted and I found myself standing alone in the parking lot outside of the mall. But, just before this transition I saw an image of she-me laying sideways in one of the theater seats wearing only a sheer and sexy nylon body-stocking. She seemed to be exposing herself to the men in the theater and was obviously in the throes of sexual passion, apparently in anticipation of her wildest sexual fantasies coming true.
The parking lot was empty, though the mall I knew was full of people. I stood for a moment and wondered what had just happened. How did I get out? What happened to she-me?
I'm not sure if the dream continued from there or not. But, when I finally woke up I didn't think much about the dream at first. It seemed fairly run-of-the-mill. But, a little while later its significance started to sink in.
After thinking about it some more, I remembered that in previous dreams I had already visited the other two side shows without getting trapped. The first was a party with lots of food, drugs and alcohol, and people. The second was a stage show of a battle with soldiers, guns and cannons, and such. I don't remember the party (first sideshow) too clearly. But, I remember that the staged battle ended up involving the audience (which was in a small theater with only 20 or 30 seats), and I was in a struggle for my life to keep from being shot by (or maybe from) a cannon. I managed to get control of the cannon, but when I fired it at the „enemy” only confetti came out. That made me realize that it was all just a play, that my life was never in danger at all. So, I left, with the „battle” raging on behind me.
Maybe these „sideshows” represented chemical/food addiction, power and control delusion, and sexual obsession. It seems likely. But, then what happened to she-me. Was some part of me still trapped in that mall? What did the mall represent anyway? Life? (Was it same kind of Hotel California?) What did it all mean, if anything?
According to the book on lucid dreaming, it was all just a product of a combination of my past experiences (memory), expectations and desires (motivation). The book says there is no „message” in dreams, though they can give us clues about ourselves, but that's all, like a Rorschach inkblot test, nothing more.
I like to think there's a lot more. I'm pretty sure that „higher consciousness” is involved. I think it's just plain silly to think that our consciousness is isolated. Frost said, „No man is an island.” I don't think he meant socially (as most people assume). Perhaps he meant consciously, like I think.
It makes more sense for consciousness to exist on a spectrum, like all other forms of energy. In fact, I believe that someday, maybe soon, scientists will discover that all other forms of energy arise from pure consciousness itself (there are a lot of experiments already in Quantum Physics that strongly support this belief). So what I'm saying is, by my way of thinking, I'd be a fool to not consider the meaning of this dream, or any dream for that matter.
I think someday we will teach our children to dream lucidly, instead of to consume recklessly. And through dreams we will make a „real” world that is more conscious, and a world without limits of and kind (no social or physical „laws”). And, I believe that this new world will be in perfect harmony with the Universe. All because of dreams, like the one I just described.
P.S.: Here are some additional observations relating to the various aspects of this dream that have occured to me since writing the above (one week ago).
The mall(s) in this dream and others seem to represent a „limited existence”. This roughly corresponds to physical life itself. So, leaving the mall is synonymous to leaving this life. My attorneys, in the dream and in real life as well, are very concerned that I don't „leave the mall” because they think of that as death. I do not. I see death as a continuation of life, which I think this dream depicts well.
„She-me” is most likely my „Jazzi-Jet” alter ego (my transexual identity that was prominent for many years, especially while I was a „queen” in prison). The „sideshows” seem to have been some sort of „trap” designed specifically to seperate me from my alter egos. I feel that the dream may have been a signal that it was time to let Jazzi-Jet go and leave her behind.
I actually felt bad when I realized that. Jazzi-Jet was like my own child. I brought her into this world, nurished her, and loved her. And she loved me. She looked up to me for guidance and protection, and she protected me too. And now I am to abandon her? But, I realized that she is probably better off left in that porno theater, which is essentially her element. She will be happy there, I think, where I could never be happy for very long. She is a much simpler creature than I am, with simpler wants and needs. So, maybe she is where she belongs (wherever that is) so I can move on to other realities without her.
The parking lot at the end of this dream then would represent the beginning of a whole new world, without limits. I have not been tempted to masturbate or otherwise engage in any sexual thoughts at all since this dream. Perhaps without the temptress there are no temptations. I am curious to see if I have become egoistically asexual at last. But, that will take time to tell.
